Stargate AtlantisSG-1: Checking In
by dhaken666
Summary: Jack stops in at Atlantis to check in on Carter...and things go horribly and hilariously wrong... References to Jack/Sam
1. Chapter 1

Samantha Carter yawned and picked the tablet up off her bed. She had so many things to do today. Starting with the report Dr. Zelenka had given her about city power efficiency.

Rubbing her eyes, she yawned again and waved her hand in front of the door sensor, watching as the door slid into the wall. As she walked into the hall, she wasn't paying attention to where she was going, her eyes on the tablet. Not paying attention to where you were going could land you in some hot water in a city the size of Atlantis, especially with so many techs, scientists and marines wandering the halls. She should have remembered that as her eyes scanned the report, her feet carrying her in the direction she needed to go. Unfortunately, her feet carried her right into a solid wall of human.

"Sorry about th--" Sam looked up to see who she had crashed into and her jaw dropped.

"Whatcha reading' there, Carter?" asked the very unexpected guest, snatching the tablet from her hand holding it above his head.

Finally managing to pick her jaw up off the floor, Sam reached out for the tablet. "With all due respect, General O'Neill, I kinda need that."

"Nonsense!" the older man replied with a cheerful grin on his lips. He continued holding the tablet just out of Carter's reach. "It looks like you've been busy, here," he added.

"Uh, yes, sir. May I ask what brings you all the way out here?" Sam asked, still stunned to see her former commander standing in front of her.

O'Neill feigned annoyance. "Well, I was stopping in at the SGC fro a visit only to have Teal'c tell me you shipped out to Pegasus to take command of the expedition. I couldn't very well go back to Washington without congratulating you on the promotion," he answered, dropping his hat onto her head and watching it slip down over her eyes.

"Thank you, sir," she replied automatically, reaching up to remove the dress uniform hat. The cap was removed from his head for her, revealing the smirking face of O'Neill.

O'Neill's characteristic smirk slipped form his lips and he moved closer to Sam. Still holding the tablet in one hand and his hat in the other, he wrapped his arms around her in a tight hug.

Surprised by the unexpected move, all of Sam's muscles stiffened briefly before she relaxed and hugged him in return. "It's good to see you again, sir," she muttered into his shoulder.

"Well, you'll be seeing a lot of me!" he answered gleefully, releasing her, returning the tablet and gripping her shoulders.

Sam starred at him, confused.

"I had some vacation time coming up, so I thought I'd spend it here! T. and Skippy were too busy to go fishing, so I decided to come torment you! Oh, and of course, Sheppard…" he clarified with a grin.

"Oh?" Sam's eyebrows rose, blinking at her previous CO.

"Oh yes! So first thing's first. Where shall I be sleeping in this wonderfully large flying, floating city?"

Sam took a moment to regain her train of thought. "Actually, sir, the room across the hall is currently free."

"Really? You don't say. Then I shall drop off my bag, change and we'll grab some breakfast. Your mess has fruit loops, right?"

"But sir, I--"

"I will not take no for an answer," O'Neill said, turning and disappearing into the room Carter had pointed out.

Sam sighed. Well, this was going to be an amusing week…


	2. Chapter 2

Having just come from the infirmary, John's mood was wavering between happy and regretful. He was happy because…well, that was just his normal demeanor. That, and it was always amusing watching Rodney when he was doped up on morphine. The regret? That spawned from the fact that Rodney was in the infirmary because of him. In all fairness, Rodney was partially to blame.

Two days ago, he and his team had gone to investigate an abandoned Genii facility. It would have been routine if they hadn't run into the weird Slime Creature of Doom. The thing looked like it was straight out of a B-horror flick and was emitting a noxious odor. To make a long story short, John shot, Rodney got in the way and got a nice hole in his thigh for his trouble.

Shoving his hands into his pockets, John headed in the general direction of the control room and Colonel Carter's office. He nodded at a few Marines and fellow USAF members as he strolled leisurely down the hall. He wasn't on duty or anything, so he didn't need to rush to Carter's office. Not that he really rushed…unless his life was on the line. Then by all means, he would rush. No one wanted a flash-fried John Sheppard.

Shaking his head at that imagery, he exhaled slowly and descended the stairs into the control room. Tossing a quick hello to Chuck, he headed across the catwalk to the Colonel's office. Before he even reached the room, he saw that she had someone else in there with her. For a moment, he thought about coming back later, but decided he should talk to her now.

Rapping his knuckles briefly on the wall, he poked his head into the office. "Colonel, you got a minute?" he asked, locking his eyes on the other person in the room.

"Of course, John. Come on in," the woman replied with a smile.

"General O'Neill," John greeted the other with only a hint of surprise in his voice.

"Sheppard. I trust you and your cohorts aren't going to make me go swimming in freezing water to save your asses during my visit?" O'Neill answered in return, looking as bored as ever.

"Wasn't planning on it, sir." John met Carter's eyes and saw the smirk on her lips. Obviously she had heard about the incident with the replicators that landed Wolsey and O'Neill in hot water. Or in this case, landed O'Neill in cold water. Literally.

"Good, cause I didn't bring my trunks."

Colonel Carter clearly decided now was a good time to move things along. "What can I do for your Colonel?" she asked, addressing her 2IC.

"I was just dropping in to say that Lorne and Baker volunteered to come with me and Ronon to check on the Ahyrick settlement this afternoon."

"Fine by me. How is Rodney doing, by the way?" Carter asked with a bit of a grimace.

"Soaring." John grinned. "The amount of morphine Keller has pumped into him can't be safe."

"He's probably much more pleasant that way," Carter joked.

"Less intelligible, anyway."

"Sheppard, go tell Lorne and Baker they can take the afternoon off. Carter and I will go with you," O'Neill interrupted, propping his heels up on the edge of Carter's desk.

One of John's eyebrows rose as he leaned against the wall and waited to see what Colonel Carter's answer would be.

"I can't, sir. I've got lots of stuff to do, and--"

"Bah! Zip it, Carter. Don't make me order you. Besides, I'm sure the city will be safe for an afternoon."

"No offense, sir, but I think that statement qualifies as famous last words," John muttered, distracting the General from Colonel Carter's eager expression. Personally, he wouldn't be able to stand a desk job.

O'Neill just waved a hand vaguely.

"I suppose I will see you this afternoon, Colonel," Carter said in way of dismissal.

John nodded and left the office. He, Ronon, General O'Neill and Colonel Carter going off-world to check on the Ahyrick settlement. Why couldn't he shake the feeling that something _really_ bad was going to happen?


	3. Chapter 3

Later that afternoon, Jack was standing in the Jumper bay, stretching stiff limbs. He hated sitting for too long, so he was really looking forward to going off-world.

Pulling his cap from a pocket of his borrowed TAC vest, he wandered over to Jumper One where Sheppard was doing a preflight check. The man was a great pilot. He knew that from experience. And the fact that the Jumpers read your mind probably made him just that much better.

Jack strolled lazily up the open hatch, hands resting on his P90 in an unguarded fashion. He stood at the read end of the Jumper for a moment, watching as Carter and Sheppard went through the check. When he got bored with that, he stowed his weapon with the other ones in the overhead racks and headed into the front section, leaning against one of the seats.

"Everything hunky-dory?" he asked, starring at the HUD.

"Yes, sir. We're ready to go whenever Ronon gets here," Carter answered.

"Would you like to pilot, sir?" Sheppard asked, though he didn't sound as though he wanted to give up his seat.

Jack shook his head. "No, wouldn't want to get between a man and his craft. Besides, the last time I flew one of these babies, there was some serious time travel involved."

"Don't worry sir, we aren't time travel compatible," Sheppard replied. Jack could hear the smirk n his voice.

Carter relinquished her seat, allowing Jack to ride shotgun. He slid into the seat…okay more like flopped into the seat, slapping his hands down on what he considered the Jumper's dashboard. He still didn't trust all this Ancient-y technology.

After a few minutes of watching Sheppard's hands glide over the controls in an almost intimate manner, Ronon finally trudged into the Jumper and flopped down in the remaining seat in the same manner Jack had done. The only difference was that the big man had a tendency to kind of sprawl in his seat.

"Ronon." Jack nodded over his shoulder at the cave man.

He grunted in response.

"Civil," Jack muttered under his breath. "Ahyrick settlement ho," he added, loud enough for them to hear.

"Yes, sir." John nodded and the hatch closed automatically. There was a low hum as the Ancient aircraft rose from its bay and moved forward into the center of the room.

Jack watched as the walls moved slowly past the windscreen as the Jumper descended into the 'gate room. This was all automatic, but Sheppard had his hands poised over the controls anyway.

When the Jumper finally rotated into position, the event horizon was already sparkling inside the Stargate. John eased the craft forward into the 'gate and everything disappeared around them.


	4. Chapter 4

As the Jumper shot out of the 'gate on the other side, Jack found himself watching trees whiz by and disappear in the windscreen.

"Why is it that every damn planet looks the same?" Jack asked, glancing at a flock of bird-like creatures up ahead.

Carter replied. "The Ancients terra-formed most of these planets using the same method on each. That way all of the planets have the proper components to sustain human life. Of course, each one has their differences, and it is all really--"

Jack cut her off, raising his hand. "It was a rhetorical question, Carter." He swiveled his chair to face her and noticed the smirk on Ronon's face. Carter, however looked concerned. "What?" he turned back to the front and saw the HUD on-screen.

"What was that, John?" Carter asked, a familiar note of tension in her voice.

"Some sort of projectile," he answered, hands tweaking the controls.

"There's another," Ronon added as a large rock-type projectile barely missed the Jumper.

"Somebody's throwing _rocks_ at us?" Jack asked, his muscles tensing.

"Looks that way, sir," Sheppard answered, a look of concentration on his face. He yanked on the yoke, sending the Jumper space-ward to avoid another rock. Thank God for inertial dampeners, otherwise their stomachs would all be in a sloppy pile at the rear of the Jumper.

The next course of events happened so fast, Jack barely had time to think. Sheppard leveled out the Jumper, heading toward the settlement and someone on the ground got off a lucky shot. A large boulder, or what looked like a boulder hurled towards them and smashed into one of the extended drive pods. They were thrown off-course and went plunging toward the ground.

Sheppard struggled with the controls, his arms tense. "I can't keep her straight. Everyone hold on to something!" he called.

Jack clenched at the arms of his chair as the ground rose up to meet them. And meet them it did…with a very unfriendly hello.

It must have been quite a while before they awoke. That, or the dense trees blocked out any light from the sun. Either way, it was dark in the Jumper when Jack finally opened his eyes. His first thought was about the searing pain in his left shoulder and the pain in his skull. Lifting his right hand, he found a nasty cut on his forehead, which would probably account for the blood on the control panel and dripping down his face.

"I'm too old for this," he complained, wriggling from his chair. Sheppard groaned, slowly pushing himself up. Jack moved back to Carter's seat, pressing his blood covered fingers to her throat. There was a strong pulse, which was a good sign, but he didn't like the look of the bump on her head or the nasty bruise that covered the right half of her face. He didn't see much blood though.

Gently, he grabbed her chin and turned her face toward him. Well, he was wrong about the blood. She must have smashed her head against the console.

"Everyone okay?" Sheppard croaked out, having finally fully regained consciousness.

"We're all in one piece…except for Ronon, who appears to have been completely disintegrated," Jack answered, looking over at Ronon's seat. The man was missing. "How does something that big just disappear?"

"He's talented that way," John answered, sounding both concerned and in pain, but not at all worried.

Jack looked up and saw Sheppard standing right behind him. "You look like hell," he commented bluntly.

"Thank you, General." Despite blood dripping from his chin from a bloody nose, a black eye, a bloodied temple and an obviously dislocated shoulder, the man still managed that cocky smirk. "Is she alright?"

"My head is splitting…" the woman grumbled.

"She's fine," he answered, rubbing at his shoulder and pulling his hand away sticky with blood. The seam of his shirt had been torn and something must have punctured the skin.

"Good, because we need her to fix the Jumper. Internal sensors are down, so I can't really tell what's wrong," Sheppard said, spitting out a mouthful of blood.

"Well, we know the internal sensors are down," Jack offered helpfully.

Sheppard was about to say something else when the hatch began to lower. With surprising speed, the Lieutenant Colonel pulled his side arm and held it steady. If he had to fire that thing with only one hand, he'd have a broken wrist to add to his list of injuries.

Jack pulled his weapon as well, waiting patiently as the hatch lowered. It was completely dark outside the Jumper and a cool, still air filtered inside. Thirty very tense seconds passed and the flickering interior lights highlighted a large figure.

"Damnit, Ronon!" Sheppard cursed, holstering his pistol.

Frowning, Jack holstered his own weapon and starred at the large man. "Nice of you to join us."

Ronon smirked, walking into the front section of the Jumper. "I was scouting the area. Couldn't wake anyone else up, so I went alone," he replied."

Sheppard didn't seem surprised by this. "Did you find anything?"

"Those boulders that hit us aren't boulders. They're some sort of creature. Found a dead one a few hundred yards east."

Jack's eyebrows rose. "Huh."

Sheppard exhaled slowly. "Well, at least it isn't dinosaurs this time."

"Dinosaurs, you say? Somehow that doesn't surprise me." Frowning, Jack turned back to Carter, who was just managing to pull herself to her feet. Instinctually, Jack reached out to steady her and received a muttered 'thanks'.

Once she regained her balance, Carter wiped at some of the blood gathering near her eye. She tried to speak, but winced.

"That looks painful," Sheppard said, noticing the bruise.

"So does that dislocated shoulder," she replied, moving her mouth as little as possible.

"Hurts like a bitch, Colonel."

"At least it's not broken. Then she'd had to splint it. That's not very much fun," Jack joked, looking at Carter. She smirked, remembering the incident well even though it was ten years ago. "Anyhoo, it's going to hurt even more when we reset it."

Sheppard looked appropriately worried and backed up a step.

"Alright kids, things are going to get cozy for a bit." Another set of memories cam rushing back from when he and Teal'c had to do the same thing to Daniel on the _tel'tak_ during that nightmare with the _Kinahhi_. Another event that seemed like a lifetime ago.

"I can deal with it, really…" Sheppard frowned and backed up another step.

"Suck it up, Sheppard," Ronon grumbled.

Jack nodded at Carter. "Help me restrain him."

"Yes, sir."

In an uncomfortably awkward gesture, Jack wrapped his arms around Sheppard, pinning his good arm down so he didn't take a swing at one of them. Carter wrapped her own arms around his torso, almost looking like she was hugging him.

"Ronon, if you would?"

With an almost sadistic smirk on his lips, Ronon moved toward Sheppard.

"If I have to do this at all, I'd rather have someone else do it. I've seen him do this to himself. He's not very careful!"

Ronon didn't hesitate any longer and grabbed Sheppard's arm.

"No, it's okay, really--"

With an audible _pop_, Ronon reset the shoulder. And Sheppard's resulting howl woke every living being up in the entire damn galaxy.


	5. Chapter 5

John Sheppard was not a happy camper. When he woke up this morning, all he had expected to do was take a quick trip to the Ahyrick settlement to see how everyone was doing. Luck didn't work that way in the Pegasus Galaxy. Instead of a pleasant off-world trip, he, Ronon, General O'Neill and Colonel Carter (which was a recipe for disaster to begin with) had crashed, were seriously abraised and contused and now lost in the forest. And it was all the fault of some weird heat-seeking rock monster. He'd be slightly less unhappy if he could take pain killers for his damn shoulder.

"This way," Ronon said with his typical growl, heading left.

John had half a mind to go the other way, but decided against it, not wanting to get even more lost.

"Just like old times, eh, Carter?" General O'Neill commented, climbing over a fallen tree.

"Yeah, except there aren't any Jaffa on our collective asses," she answered with a laugh, following behind O'Neill.

"Or replicators."

"Or angry townspeople."

"Or super soldiers."

John frowned. He could deal with angry townspeople. He'd never had to face super soldiers, but he had been against the Asurans, as well as a whole host of other monstrosities…Like Iratus bugs. Oh, how he hated Iratus bugs.

They continued silently through the thick underbrush for at least another hour before Ronon stopped dead. John frowned again…or rather still, and looked around for any potential threat. There was a rustle in the bushes and he turned quickly, wincing as he jostled his shoulder.

"What?" O'Neill asked after a long, silent moment.

Ronon didn't reply, just deepened his frown and continued on, leaping easily over fallen trees. He hadn't received as many injuries as the others in the crash. Bastard.

With a sigh, John followed. Digging into a pocket, he pulled out an energy bar, tore it open with his teeth and took a big bite. They had raided the Jumper for anything they could carry before they left, including P90s, extra ammo, MREs, and a medkit. The medkit held blessed painkillers, which he didn't allow himself to take because he wanted to keep his wits about him.

There was another rustle in the brush and John carefully held up his P90.

General O'Neill came to stand beside him, glanced over and then did a double-take. "You look oh-so threatening, Sheppard."

"I try, sir," he replied, reaching up and pulling blood-soaked scraps of tissue from his nostrils. He might not look it, but he _felt_ like killing something.

"I don't see anything," Colonel Carter said after a while of cautious surveying.

"Probably local fauna," O'Neill replied, tugging on the bill of his cap.

"Look out!" Ronon called out of nowhere.

John's reflexes worked quickly and he hit the deck, blinking away stars as his shoulder struck a rock. He looked up just in time to see something whiz overhead and crash into a nearby tree. Whatever it was made one hell of a dent in the tree.

The make-shift team waited to see if anything else was going to come flying at them out of nowhere. Nothing did, so they got to their feet and went to check out the thing on the ground.

"Looks like another one of those things," John commented as Ronon nudged it with his foot.

"The flying rocks?" O'Neill asked, raising an eyebrow.

Colonel Carter moved closer to it, crouching down to observe the creature. "Yes, sir. I don't think this one's dead, though."

They stared intently down at the smooth, round, mottled grey beast, watching for signs of life. The monster let out a sort of chirping noise, followed by what sounded like a very unhealthy cough before its back broke out in rows of tiny, flame red feathers. Its entire body shook, then it stood up on stubby legs, turned and looked up at them.

No one moved as the feathery rock monster watched them with two glassy black eyes. It was a very tense standoff situation.

"No one make any sudden movements," O'Neill whispered, taking a slow step backwards.

"Wasn't planning on it, sir," Carter whispered back.

The creature made another chirp-cough, opened a mouth they didn't even know was there full of very sharp-looking teeth, then spit out a string of orange goo that nearly hit John's head before taking off through the forest.

Everyone stared at the place it had been for a good ten seconds before turning around--and coming face-to-face with a group of men pointing swords at them.

"Didn't your mothers teach you not to play with knives?" John asked lamely as he raised his hands. Could this day get any better?"


	6. Chapter 6

"Oh yeah. This is better," General O'Neill commented in a dry, sarcastic tone.

Same resisted rolling her eyes against the familiar tone. He was right though, their situation kept getting worse. When they were confronted by the men with the swords, they were told they were trespassing and were to be taken into the village for sentencing. Ronon hadn't taken this well, and of course, attacked the closest man, drawing his own blade. The rest of them tried to defend themselves during the chaos, but it didn't work out that way. Four of the eight men managed to take Ronon down, then she, John and General O'Neill were restrained by the others.

Sam looked down at her hands, accessing their current problem. Ronon was tied up in the corner. John had passed out when a particularly large brute yanked on his arm. She and General O'Neill had their hands bound. And to top it off, they were in a dungeon of some sort.

A rat scurried by, catching General O'Neill's attention. "If we can find another one, we can race them," he joked, "I'm naming mine Kinsey."

Sam managed a grin, despite the nasty bruise on her face. "I'll name mine Maybourne."

"Excellent choice."

Sam chuckled and stretched out her legs. She looked over at Ronon who was brooding in the corner. John was just coming to, his brow furrowing as he tried to roll onto his side.

"Painkillers," he groaned through gritted teeth.

"Sorry John, they confiscated all of our supplies," Sam told him, watching as he struggled to sit up. He almost looked like he wanted to cry. She didn't blame him.

"You're kidding. _Please_ tell me you're kidding."

"Nope. All we've got is the clothes on our backs. And we had to bargain with them to keep those," O'Neill replied.

"Again…you're kidding."

Sam sighed. "Sadly, no. We literally had to beg them to keep our clothes." It was true, too. When they were brought in, the guards--or whatever position they held--had started stripping them of their vests, holsters and jackets. Then they started with shirts. That was when General O'Neill complained. Loudly. They had been allowed to keep their shirts, pants and socks. Their boots had been taken, though.

O'Neill shivered. "They really need to think about heating this place."

Sam was thinking the same thing. Cold from the dirt floor seeped through her socks and the cool, dank air in the cell breezed over her bare arms.

John finally managed to sit up, arms dangling limply between his legs. "I'm starting to think it's a prerequisite that every mission has to go horribly wrong somehow."

"Oh yeah! A mission is never complete unless you get kidnapped at some point!" O'Neill answered, bending his knees.

John swallowed hard and closed his eyes. No doubt trying to ignore his shoulder. "Did anyone come up with an escape plan while I was out?" he finally asked.

"Not so much," O'Neill answered. "I don't know if you noticed or not, but none of us are really in any shape to put up much of a fight."

"Ronon didn't have a scratch on him," John countered, turning to look for the Satedan. When he saw him, his shoulders sank. "Great."

Ronon didn't just have his hands bound like the others. He also had his arms tied behind his back and his ankles tied as well. He was looking very pissed off.

"We'll just have to sit back and see how this plays out for now," Sam said with a sigh.

As if to get the ball rolling, the single door creaked open and in walked three large men. They scanned the room and approached Sam and General O'Neill.

"Get up," one said to Sam.

O'Neill stretched his arms across Sam's chest and looked up at the guard. "She doesn't want to go with you. Truthfully, we're all very comfortable, but we could use some room service."

"Quiet! The woman is coming with us!" The guard smacked O'Neill and hauled Sam to her feet.

Sam tried to struggle, but the large man held her arms tightly. She couldn't even get a word out as she was hauled from the cell.


	7. Chapter 7

Jack pounded on the cell door again, trying to get someone's attention. He wasn't having much luck. Carter had been dragged from the cell somewhere around an hour ago and they hadn't heard anything since.

"How many times is that woman going to be snatched out from under me?" he grumbled to himself as he returned to his seat on the floor beside Sheppard. The man had his eyes closed, his head tipped back, and his skin was rather pale. He wasn't looking so good.

Leaning his own head back, Jack tried to wiggle his wrists in the restraints and only succeeded in chaffing his skin. Truthfully, he had been in worse situations, and he had always managed to get his team out. Granted, it was usually by the skin of their teeth, but SG-1 was always in one piece. Not counting the times Daniel bit the bullet, so to speak.

"At this point, I'm guessing these people aren't the Ahyrick…" he muttered with a sigh.

"Not so much. When we dropped them on this planet, there was no one else here. I've got no clue…" Sheppard answered, opening his eyes.

"Marauders," Ronon growled. It was the first word out of his mouth since they arrived.

"Huh?" Jack asked, blinking in the man's general direction.

"That's what they're called," he clarified.

"And you waited this long to say anything?" Sheppard complained, making a face that was oddly familiar to Jack.

"I thought Wraith killed them off years ago."

"So you've encountered them before?" Sheppard now questioned, leaning forward with interest.

"No, but I've heard of 'em. They've got settlements all over the galaxy. They steal anything that catches their eye."

Jack swallowed hard. "Anything? I don't like the sound of that."

"I'd bet they want Colonel Carter."

"Crap."

Jack was on his feet again, pounding at the door. "Hey, Baldy! I want to file a complaint with your PR department!" he called through the wooden door.

"Ronon, you got any knives on you?" Sheppard asked, managing to push himself to his feet.

"Yeah."

Jack looked over his shoulder. "You didn't mention this before _why_?" he hissed, glowering at them.

"Well, Colonel Carter did say they confiscated all of our stuff…I just remembered Ronon has a lot of hiding places. That, and I wanted some time to get over the nausea…" Sheppard replied, looking sheepish.

Jack stared at them.

Sheppard opened his mouth to say something else, but decided against it and turned toward Ronon. The big man managed to slid his back up the wall and stand. Sheppard started fumbling with the ropes around the other's wrists. He was getting no where fast.

"Hey, Gimpy. Need a hand?" Jack questioned, stepping up beside Sheppard. Both of his hands were able, so he managed to untie the umpteen knots with only a little swearing.

As soon as his hands were free, Ronon pulled a knife from his hair (if you could call that rats nest hair) and cut the ropes around his ankles. After that, he cut the ropes around Sheppard's and Jack's wrists as well. Then, just like he never even had it, he slipped the knife back into his hair.

"Cool," Jack said, rubbing his wrists.

"Yeah, and he's got about twenty more…" Sheppard muttered, rubbing at his shoulder gingerly.

Looking up at Ronon, he considered it for a moment. "Sweet."

"You okay to fight?" Ronon asked Sheppard. Seriously, the man was like a big watch dog.

"Yeah, I think I can manage as long as my shoulder doesn't slip out of the socket again," he replied, peeking into the collar of his shirt. Jack had no doubt his entire shoulder was covered in a nasty purple bruise.

"Good luck with that," he muttered, walking back over to the door. Rounding on the door once again, he shouted for someone to come in and talk to them. This time, he actually got his wish, which was unexpected and Jack got a door to the face.

"Sonofa--!" he cursed, stumbling backwards.

"If you don't shut up, I'll--!" The rest of the man's threat was cut short as Ronon drove an elbow into his nose.

That's when all hell broke loose.


	8. Chapter 8

"You shall be my bride!" the heavyset, balding man declared proudly, patting his belly.

Sam stared at the man, eyebrows drawn together skeptically. "I'm sorry, but I don't think so," she eventually replied, crossing her arms. She had been untied before she was brought before the man.

The big man, whose name was announced as Cayrick, just laughed at her. "Oh, I believe you will be a great source of amusement for me!"

Frowning, Sam shifted her footing. "I don't think you heard me. I'm not your bride, or anyone else's for that matter. So if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to the cell and my friends."

Cayrick continued to grin and clapped his hands. Two female servants approached Sam and took her by the arms, escorting her from the large chamber. She always got nervous when something like this happened. Nothing good ever came of it…

The two scantily-clad women led Sam down a long corridor (she noticed there were no windows in this place, so it could be underground), and into what looked like a dressing room. There was a large, shallow bathing pool surrounded by drapes and plush pillows. The walls were white with golden accents and inlays and the floor was a mosaic of tiny marble tiles. It was quite beautiful.

"Please tell me I don't have to wear some gaudy dress…" Sam muttered as the two women disappeared to the far side of the room.

One woman came back a few moments later carrying a bronze pitcher. "Please disrobe," she said, moving to the bathing pool.

Sam exhaled and rolled her eyes. She totally saw this coming. "Umm…No."

"Please. Do not make us force you."

Sam looked the two women up and down. Both were about four inches shorter and probably weighed about twenty pounds less than she did. She could take them. "I don't think so. I'd rather go back to the cell."

As soon as the words left her mouth, the woman holding the pitcher grabbed her arm and twisted it behind her back. Sam managed to wriggle free and knock the woman down. The other one must have seen this and jumped Sam from behind. Grabbing her arm, Sam flipped the woman over her head, but was attacked by the first woman again. She struggled, but this time she was pinned to the ground and there was a small knife at her throat.

"Please disrobe."

Sighing, Sam let her forehead rest on the floor. "Fine."

The woman holding the knife got up. "If you resist again, we can have Lord Cayrick kill your friends."

Sam's lip twitched. _Lord?_ That man's ego was as big as his stomach. With another sigh, she begrudgingly began to remove her shirt. She was leaving her underwear on, though. If they had a problem with that, they could go to their version of hell.

The two women, who she learned were named Addie and Zeema, took her over to the bathing pool, removed the braid from her hair and began pouring pitchers of luke-warm water over her head. She watched as streaks of diluted blood ran down the side of her body as it was washed from her face and hair.

General O'Neill, John and Ronon had better be coming up with a plan, and they had better do it fast.


	9. Chapter 9

"How many guards does this place have?" John demanded as another trio of men rounded the corner.

"I would guess a lot," General O'Neill answered, glancing behind them at the trail of bloodied, unconscious men.

After they beat the first two guards into submission, Ronon and General O'Neill stole their weapons and took point. John wasn't much help, so he pulled up the rear. He still did as much as he could with his gimpy shoulder. He refused to complain, though. He managed to grab a sword from a third guard and took down a couple of men.

"Kill them!" one of the big men shouted.

General O'Neill rolled his eyes and swung his sword. The loud clash of steel-on-steel reverberated through the corridor. A splatter of warm blood his John's cheek as Ronon sliced into one man's arm. It was followed by a howl of pain.

John smiled at that small victory, but the smirk was knocked from his face when he was tackled. He hit the ground hard, his head bouncing off the concrete floor. Stars floated before his eyes and a fist connected with his jaw. The wave of nausea he tried so hard to fight off came rushing back when there was a tremendous weight put on his shoulder.

"You need to lay off the snacks," he managed to grunt out.

The fist connected with his jaw again before Ronon kicked the guy in the ribs, knocking him off. John lay on the floor, panting as he listened to a fist smash into cartilage and make a sickening crunch sound. It happened about three times before there was no sounds other than his own labored breathing.

"That's a terrible place to nap," General O'Neill said, offering a hand.

"Damn," John complained. He wouldn't mind a nice sleep about now. He was actually looking forward to a stay in the infirmary, complete with morphine and blue jell-o. Right now though, he grabbed the General's hand and got to his feet.

"You okay, champ?" O'Neill asked sarcastically, pressing his back against the wall to look around the corner.

John didn't answer, just exhaled slowly and attempted to rotate his shoulder. He winced, scowled and walked around the corner, much to General O'Neill's dismay, of course.

"What the hell is _wrong_ with you?" O'Neill hissed, grabbing and yanking on John's shirt.

John stumbled backwards, turning toward the General. "Well, other than the obvious, I'm a little annoyed with this entire situation. Sir."

O'Neill rolled his eyes. "Aren't we all…That doesn't mean you can be so damn impatient."

While they were talking, Ronon strode past them, around the corner and started down the corridor.

O'Neill released John's shirt and rubbed his hand over his face. Stepping around John, he followed after Ronon.

John raised one eyebrow, shrugged and followed the others. The sooner they found Colonel Carter and got out of here, the better. And he was definitely sending a team of scientists and heavily armed marines back to retrieve his Jumper.

He, General O'Neill and Ronon continued to weave their way through the concrete maze until they found a door at the end of a very long hall. At least they didn't run into any more goons.

"Let's see what's behind door number one!" John said, reaching for the knob.

"Just open the door, Monty," O'Neill grumbled at him.

John grinned and opened the door.

"Great…" O'Neill muttered to himself.

On the other side was another ridiculously long corridor with about a million doors on either side.

"Let's get searching…" John said with a sigh.

The men spread out and started searching doors at random.


	10. Chapter 10

Sam yawned and leaned her head on her fist. She couldn't figure out what it was with creepy alien men and dressing her up in stupid outfits. She was currently locked in a room filled with pillows, a low table lined with strange-looking food and ugly art, tapestries and statues. Her so-called hand maidens Addie and Zeema had dressed her in light-weight linen pants and a matching top that exposed her midriff. Everything about her outfit and the décor reminded her of India. Or perhaps Tibet.

With a sigh, she pushed herself to her feet and started pacing. She had already been around the entire room twice. There was nothing in the room she could use to pick a lock, or to defend herself with. Though, the pink grape-like things on the table looked pretty nasty.

When they put her in here, they made no attempt to hide the guards by the door. Not that they could. Both of them were about 6' 5" and over 300 pounds in muscle.

Exhaling slowly, she walked over to the food table. Something was emitting an enticing smell aroma, and she was hungry. She didn't know what, if anything was safe to eat, but there was a very colorful array of items on the table. Blue triangular things that looked juicy, purple square things that looked sticky and sweet, and some bizarre green thing she couldn't even begin to identify the strange shape.

Swallowing hard, her stomach growled, so she reached toward the table. The first thing she grabbed was one of the sweet purple things. It was covered in some sort of glaze that stuck between her fingers in strings. Shrugging, she put it in her mouth. There was no flavor at first, but when her teeth broke through the skin of the food, her mouth was filled with a sickly sweet, sort of citrus-y flavor. Her taste buds went into overdrive and she had to swallow twice.

"Okay…not eating anymore of those," she said to herself, this time picking up one of the weird green things. She put it in her mouth and immediately regretted doing so. This one had an awful bitter taste and a strange spongy texture. Grimacing against the flavor, she swallowed it and looked around for something to drink. There was a goblet at the far end of the table and she reached for it. She swallowed two big gulps of whatever was in the goblet before she noticed it was a thick, metallic tasting liquid. With dread, she looked into the cup. It was filled with glossy red liquid. Blood. Sam felt like vomiting.

Swallowing against the bile rising in her throat, she went over to the door. Pounding her fist against the solid wood, she called out for someone to talk to her.

The door opened and one of her guards stood in the door way, blocking the entire thing. "What?" he demanded in a gruff tone.

"I need a couple things from one of the bags you people took from us," Sam replied, finding herself straightening her spine to stand taller.

The guard glared at her.

Sighing inwardly, she pointed back at the table. "I can't eat your food, and I'm hungry."

"You were given the finest quality foods by order of Lord Cayrick." One of his biceps twitched, like he wanted to smack her around a bit.

"Yes, but I can't eat it. Your food doesn't agree with me."

The man gave her an odd look and closed the door in her face.

Sam rolled her eyes. "Thanks for the hospitality," she grumbled, turning back toward the room. Glancing around again, a sparkle caught her eye. Curious now, she walked across the room and knelt on the floor, moving various pillows out of the way. Underneath everything, she was very surprised to find a hatch of some sort. There was a small inscription that was written in what looked like Ancient.

One eyebrow quirked up. "Huh." She stared at the panel briefly before proceeding to try and pry it open.


	11. Chapter 11

Jack twisted around when multiple female shrieks tore through the air. His eyes quickly found where it was coming from and he quashed down a grin. Sheppard was currently apologizing as best he could and slowly closing a door. He looked a little embarrassed, probably not by what he saw, but because he was invading someone's privacy. When he finally closed the door, he stared down at his feet and sucked in his bottom lip.

"Did we learn anything interesting?" Jack asked, raising his eyebrows at Sheppard.

"Only that whoever this place belongs to has a harem," Sheppard replied, looking a little intrigued.

"Lucky bastard," Jack muttered with a chuckle. "Oh well, no time to dwell on that. We've got more doors to check out. From now on though, listen for voices first. We've been lucky so far."

Sheppard nodded and went to the next door, pressing his ear against the wood. He must not have heard anything because he opened the door. When he did, his face broke into a grin. "Jackpot!" he exclaimed, heading into the room.

Jack was curious as to what the man found, so he followed behind him. Seeing what was laid out on the table, he called Ronon in as well. Sheppard had stumbled upon an excellent find! Their equipment. Eagerly, they dove into the pile of black cloth and metal and began pulling out different objects. Boots, then jackets, vests and weapons and finally, their packs full of extra ammo, food and canteens.

Grabbing Carter's stuff as well, they turned to continue searching and came face-to-face with a very, very large man.

"Halt, or I will kill you!"

Ronon pulled his weapon and fired at the man. He fell to the ground with a thud.

Sheppard looked between the man and Ronon as he let his gun hang at his side. "You do have that on stun, right?"

"Dunno," he replied with a shrug.

Jack looked at the weapon. He still really wanted one of those. But he was content with his P90 for now.

"Okay kids, we've got our stuff back, which is a major bonus, so let's get Carter and get the hell out of here," he said, stepping over the big guy and out into the hall.

They resumed checking doors, skipping ones that sounded like they were occupied. After about five minutes, they found something.

"Sheppard," Ronon growled, "take a look at this."

Jack followed Sheppard into the room that Ronon was in and looked around.

"What the hell?"

"My sentiments exactly," Jack added.

The room was quite large, which wasn't really a surprise. What the room contained, however, was. The walls were lined with dormant consoles that looked very Ancient-y.

"This looks like one of the research labs we found on Atlantis," Sheppard commented as they strolled around, watching everything come to life.

"What were they researching?" Jack asked the room.

"Even if I knew how these things, I have no idea how to read Ancient other than a few words here and there," Sheppard replied, looking down at a particularly bright console. He pressed a few keys and watched the text on the display screen scroll by. "I've watched McKay do this enough, you'd think I'd know how by now…"

"Ronon, you got anything over there?" Jack asked, turning to the man on the other side of the room.

He pointed up. Jack followed his line of sight and saw a square hatch in the ceiling.

"Wonder where it goes," Ronon muttered, looking up at it.

"Well, we could always find out. Sheppard, give me a hand," Jack requested, waving Sheppard over. They began looking for things to drag over so they could reach the high ceiling.


	12. Chapter 12

With a grunt of effort, Sam managed to lift the heavy hatch open. There was nothing to use in the room, so she had to dig her fingers under the small gab between the floor and the lip where the hatch fit into the floor. As she fought with the thing, she managed to tear off a fingernail, but she finally got it open. She sat with her legs on either side of the opening she exposed, looking down into the dark.

The inside was more than large enough for her to fit into, and there was a slight slope to the smooth interior. It looked almost like an escape hatch. She wished she knew where it led, though. It could go somewhere dangerous, but at the moment, she didn't have much of a choice. She could stay here and be forced to marry the fatter, stupider version of McKay, or she could take her chances with the tunnel.

Sam thought about it for a moment. "I'll take my chances with the tunnel," she muttered to herself.

Sliding her legs into the opening, she eased the rest of her body in, her forearms bearing her weight. She took a deep breath and let her arms go limp. She plummeted into the tunnel. Her clothes let her slid quite easily down the slanted square hatch and she continued to pick up speed before she hit her maximum velocity. She couldn't see anything, but the speed was disorienting. She only slid for about five seconds until she no longer felt the cool, smooth metal underneath her. Whatever she hit on her way out though was definitely human. She and it let out a simultaneous pained groan.

"Nice of you to drop in, Carter…"

Sam knew that voice, and was quite happy to hear the lame pun. "Sir!" he exclaimed, sitting up. "Geeze, I don't think I've ever had this much luck on a mission."

"Oh, I don't know…We've managed to get pretty lucky." He rubbed his hands over his face before looking up at her.

Sam held his gaze for a moment and his eyebrows rose. "Oh, uh, sorry, sir." She crawled off of him and hopped to the floor. They had used a table to reach the hatch. Looking up, she realized she might have had two broken legs if they hadn't removed the cover on this end.

With a muttered curse about being too old, General O'Neill got up and rubbed his ribs. "If I had a nickel for every time I've been fallen on during a mission…"

"Good to see you're safe, Colonel Carter," John said to Sam, handing her stuff back.

"You guys, too," she replied, digging into her TAC vest for an energy bar.

"So, Carter…Care to tell us what happened after they hauled you out of the dungeon?" O'Neill asked, propping himself against a console. The whole room was filled with them. Odd.

Carter tried to ignore the fact that O'Neill was starring at her clothes. "I was almost forced to marry a fat, stupid version of McKay," Sam replied through a mouthful of energy bar.

General O'Neill knelt in front of her, put a hand on her bare shoulder and looked straight into her eyes. "Do you need a hug?" he asked, sounding quite serious. Ronon and John laughed in the background.

Sam had to resist the urge to giggle. She did grin however, and shook her head. "I'm sure I'll live, sir."

"I'd have to be in therapy for years," John commented.

Sam grinned up at her 2IC and finished off her energy bar. She tugged on her boots than pulled her jacket and vest over her top. At least she felt a little more covered now.

"Did you guys find anything of interest in here?" she asked, looking around the room at all of the computer consoles as she dug in her bag for a canteen.

"Not so much," O'Neill answered.

"I have a theory," Sam said, looking up at the men. "I think this place was built by the Ancients as some sort of refuge away from the Wraith. They needed underground labs where they could work uninterrupted."

John looked down at a computer and nodded. "Makes sense. Can you figure out what they were doing?"

Sam stood up and walked over to a console. "Sir, can you hand me the tablet from my bag?" she asked, hitting a few buttons. She didn't know much about Ancient, but she could take the data back to Atlantis with them and have it translated.

"Here." Jack handed her the tablet and continued to stare over her shoulder.

"Thanks. You should watch the door. They've probably learned I'm gone by now."

"Ronon," John said, putting just enough authority in his voice.

"Got it."

"It'll take about fifteen minutes to transfer all of the necessary data. I'll try and find a map while I'm at it…" Sam said, keeping her attention on the screen in front of her. She worked on both the Ancient tech and her tablet simultaneously. At least now they were making some progress.


	13. Chapter 13

Jack glanced between the door, his watch and Carter. Five minutes had passed and they was still no sign of the enemy. Yet. He was expecting them any second.

"We've got company!" Sheppard called back into the lab.

"Right on time," Jack muttered as P90 fire reverberated through the chamber. It was accompanied by the fizzle of Ronon's energy weapon.

Moving over to Carter's shoulder, he briefly watched her fingers fly over the keypad. "Carter, no pressure or anything, but do you mind picking up the pace?"

"I've almost got it, sir. There isn't as much data in here as I originally though," she answered without looking up at him.

Jack pat her on the back, then moved to the door. He knew when Carter said fifteen minutes, she didn't actually _mean_ fifteen minutes. Hefting his P90 against his chest, he stood behind Sheppard. "How are things going?" he asked as Ronon fired off another blast.

"Ronon just downed the last one, but--"

"_Warriors of Atlantis, this is Lord Cayrick, Give up now and I will call my men off!_" a deep, booming voice echoed through the room and the corridor beyond.

Jack looked over at Carter, who visibly shuddered. Must be her 'husband-to-be'.

"_Well, what is your answer?_"

"Oh…You can hear us?" Jack asked, looking up at the ceiling.

"_And see you. Now give me your answer!_"

"Okay. No. Does that work for you?" Jack growled, flinging his arms out to the sides.

"_It does not. Give me the woman and I will let you go free!_"

"But we don't like to be separated. It makes us sad…So…you'll have to accept us as a set. Limited edition! Very rare."

"Sir?" Carter whispered, gaining his attention. He could tell by her antsy, excited expression that she had finished the transfer.

With a slight nod, Jack looked back up at the ceiling, waiting for Cayrick's answer.

"_You people are strange, indeed! If you are not willing to give me the woman, I believe I will have fun watching you try to escape!_"

Jack frowned. "Okay people. Grab as much ammo out of the bags as you can and leave everything else. Looks like we're going to have to fight our way out."

Ronon stayed to guard the door as Sheppard, Jack and Carter raided the bags for ammo. The one advantage they had in this fight was that the enemy had swords. Swords versus guns was never very fair.

"Sir," Carter whispered again, leaning in close to Jack.

"Yeah?"

"While I was transferring the data, I noticed something odd."

"The point, Carter?" Jack growled, urging his former 2IC on.

"Cayrick's name was in the database. I think he is an unacended Ancient," she whispered excitedly.

"Sure are a lot of unacended ones," Sheppard muttered, slamming a fresh clip into his P90. By now his jaw was set into a permanent grimace and he was looking a little green, but he was closing a damn good job of working with his shoulder.

"Like everywhere, there's always going to be a group that doesn't follow the rule."

Jack looked over at Ronon in the doorway. He had begun firing again. "Alright kids, enough chit-chat. Let's move out. Carter, you found a map?"

"Uh…no, sir," she replied, tucking her hair up under a cap she found in one of the bags.

"Damn. Looks like we're up the creek, then." Jack pushed himself to his feet and moved toward the door. Ducking out the door, he fired a couple of shots in the same direction as Ronon. They had to run out of guys sooner or later. Preferably sooner…


	14. Chapter 14

"Just tear them!" General O'Neill growled, looking between Sam and down the sights of his P90.

Sam stopped in yanking her pant leg to look up at him. "No offense, sir, but if I rip them, then I won't have any pants _left_. This is worse than just a snag."

O'Neill exhaled in annoyance. He looked around for Sheppard and Ronon, who had gone off ahead to secure the next corridor. "Alright, Carter. Let's see what I can do."

Sam sucked her bottom lip into her mouth. This would have been easier if they had their knives. John said they hadn't found them with everything else. "Sir, I know I don't really need to ask permission to speak freely with you, so I'm just going to come out and say it; This sucks!"

He smirked up at her. "Aw, c'mon, Carter! You're always saying we never do things together." He tugged on her pant leg and frowned.

Sam grinned. "I don't recall. But even if I had, I don't think this is what I would have had in mind. So, can you do anything?" she asked, looking down at where the cloth had been snagged on a decorative statue. The waist high bronzed warrior statue held a sword in its hands. Sam walked too close to it, and now she was in this predicament.

From his crouching position on the floor, he looked up and shook his head. "It's on there pretty good. It's either you rip it, or stay here for Cayrick to come find you," he said with a hint of a smirk.

Sam growled, reached down and gave the weak fabric a good yank. The material tore from the waistband down to the knee. Sam sighed.

General O'Neill blinked, his lips twitched as he tried to suppress a grin. His eyebrows rose and he looked up, meeting her gaze. "Nice undies, Carter," he joked, standing up.

"Another reason I didn't want to tear them," she muttered under her breath, turning away from O'Neill. Today she was wearing a comfortable pair of boy-cut briefs that just happened to be covered in hearts.

"Not exactly regulation," he continued, moving the torn fabric of the pant leg.

"Sir…" Sam grumbled. Why did she feel like a young Captain again? Probably because this brought back disturbing memories from when she attacked the then-Colonel in the locker room.

With a smirk still on his lips, he turned around just as John and Ronon were returning. "What did you find?"

"Nothing. That way was a dead-freakin'-end," John complained. Ronon's expression matched the Lieutenant Colonel's.

General O'Neill rolled his eyes. "That's his brilliant plan? Make us get lost? Genius. Really."

"I did saw he was the stupider version of McKay…Though that kind of thing sounds like something Dr. Lee would come up with," Sam replied, folding her arms across her vest.

Nodding, John looked down and just happened to notice the tear in her pants. "Colonel, what happened?"

That brought a grin back to General O'Neill's face. "The little man with the sword tried to undress her," he said, pointing to the bronze statue.

Before the conversation could turn even more awkward than it had been with the General, Sam cleared her throat. "There's still two ways to check out. We should get going."

"Yeah. We'll split up to make things quicker. Sheppard, you take Ronon and go left. Carter and I will go right. We'll meet back here in ten minutes. Got it?" General O'Neill explained, checking his clip.

"Yes, sir. Ronon, after you," Sheppard said, waving the big man ahead of him."

"Always," he muttered back before turning to move down the side corridor. Sheppard followed him with a one shouldered shrug.

"Shall we, Carter?"

"Yes, sir!" Sam lifted her weapon and headed off down the other corridor.


	15. Chapter 15

"Well, I don't see a way out in here," John muttered, closing the door behind him.

"Here, either," Ronon replied, closing another door.

With a sigh, John clenched his jaw and turned toward his friend and teammate. "That just leaves this last one, I guess." He moved forward to grab the doorknob without any of his usual exuberance or interest. He was tired, in pain, hungry and he really had to pee. It was hard to keep up one's happy demeanor when you just didn't feel at all cheerful.

Ronon hefted his energy pistol in his hands, stood back and aimed it at the door.

With a nod to Ronon, John threw open the door, and quickly brought up his P90, ignoring the screaming pain in his shoulder. Or rather, trying to…Focusing his attention again, he looked into the room and was more than a little confused. It was just an empty room with a while circle painted on the floor.

"What the hell?" he questioned, cautiously stepping into the room.

"I don't get it…" Ronon muttered, lowering his gun ever-so-slightly.

John frowned deeply. "You and me both. Let's check it out, but be careful." He took a few slow steps into the room, scanning it with the eye of a soldier. He truly couldn't see anything. Four white walls with gold trim and a simple back marble floor with a while circle painted in the center. No art, no statues, no boxes or crates. Absolutely nothing.

"Okay. I give. I am officially confused. Whether it's the blood loss or the fact that this room makes _no sense_, I have no idea, but either way, I'm lost," John complained, lowering his weapon and spinning around, looking over the room again.

Ronon shrugged. "Whatever. There's nothing here, so--"

The door slamming shut cut off the end of Ronon's sentence. The electric fizzle of a force shield going up was the next problem.

"Okay…That's probably not good," John muttered, his eyes shifting from one side to the other.

As if to test that there was an actual force shield, Ronon kicked at the wall, which zapped him. He hopped up and down on one foot for a moment before snarling at the room in general.

"We're gonna need some help to get out of this one," John said, clicking his radio. "Colonel Carter? General O'Neill?" The radio replied with a hiss of static in his ear. John cursed under his breath.

"We've got bigger problems right now," Ronon commented in his typical growl.

"What?" John turned his head as the sound of stone scrapping against stone filled his ears. The side walls were moving. "Crap! Help me look for a panel, a switch, a button, a stick, anything! Something we can use!"


	16. Chapter 16

"Gah!"

"What is it, sir?"

"Damn radio hissed in my ear."

"Maybe it was John?"

Jack frowned and looked at his watch. The ten minutes were up. So either they found something, or…Jack clicked his radio. "Sheppard…Sheppard, do you read?"

They waited for a few seconds, but there was no reply.

"There could be interference from the building material of the structure, or maybe because we're so far underground…?" Carter reasoned, but she didn't sound convinced.

Jack grabbed her arms and pulled her back in the direction they had come. They ran down the corridor and straight through in the direction Sheppard and Ronon had gone. They didn't run into them, so they had to be in trouble.

He clicked his radio again. "Sheppard, where are you?" he growled into the mic. Still no reply. "Sheppard!" he called.

"John, can you hear us?" Carter called down the hall.

This time there was a muffled shout coming from the end of the hall.

"Sheppard? What the hell?" Jack shouted, pounding on the door where the shout had come from. He tried the knob, but got a nasty jolt. He turned to Carter with a curse and glared at her like she knew what was going on.

"Colonel Sheppard! What's going on?" Carter called, her mouth near the door.

"_If we don't get out of here, you're going to have to scrape us off the walls! There's a force shield and we can't find a way out!_" was the reply. It was barely audible through the thick wooden door, but it was definitely Sheppard.

"Sir! Help me find a hidden panel or something that looks like a control panel," Carter said as her hands began to slide over the smooth white walls and the door frame.

"Right, 'cause I'm so good at stuff like that…" Jack muttered as he, too, began to slide his hands across the walls, using a little force, just in case.

The two searched the walls for a few seconds before Sheppard shouted at them again. "_No pressure or anything!_"

"We're searching as fast as we can!" Jack snarled back just as his arm slipped into the wall up to his shoulder. "Uh, Carter?"

"Good job, sir!" Carter grinned as a section of wall slid up into the ceiling. She moved over to it and immediately started pushing buttons on the console that was revealed.

"Well, I try." Jack watched Carter work. Her hands seemed to know just where to go to reveal the tray of brightly colored crystals.

"_Hoh! Whoa! What are you doing out there? Trying to kill us __faster__?_" came a slightly panicked shout from inside the room as Carter removed a green crystal.

Carter replaced the crystal, eyes wide. "What happened?"

"_There were __spikes_!" Sheppard shouted back.

Jack stared at Carter. "Spikes?"

Carter shrugged, looking between the crystals and the control panel. She pulled out another crystal, a pink one this time, and waited.

"_Watch out!_"

Carter replaced the crystal. Her hand moved over another one and Jack stopped her, pulling some C4 from his vest.

"Let's just do this the old fashioned way before they get killed," he said, sticking the plastic explosives to the crystal tray and adding a timed detonator. Grabbing Carter's arm, Jack pulled her into a room across the hall. Five…four…three…two…one…

The muffled blast pushed against the door and Jack covered his head as did Carter. This place had really sturdy doors.

"Well, let's go see if that did it…" Jack said, getting up and opening the door. There was a very large chunk of crystal embedded in the wood. "That could have been nasty."

Careful not to trip on crystal fragments, Carter moved across the smoke filled corridor to the charred, twisted control panel. "It's got no power, sir," she said.

Jack nodded and reached for the knob of the _Door of Death _again. Carefully this time. No zap. He wrenched the door open and saw how close they had come to having a Sheppard and Dex pancake.

"Hi," Sheppard muttered, resting his forehead on the wall in front of him. They were about a foot and a half apart. Ronon was shoving against them, trying to get them to move back into their original places.

"You're welcome," Jack replied, squeezing into the space to help.

"The explosion must have jarred the mechanics," Cater said, standing watch at the door.

"Could be," Jack grunted, pushing against both walls.

"John, if you don't mind my asking, what happened when I pulled the last crystal?"

"We were nearly flambéed," he replied, pushing with his back and legs.

Jack was about to say something when the walls gave out and started sliding back into their original places. Jack and John lost their balance and fell to the ground.

"Ow."

Pushing himself to his feet, Jack scanned the room and saw a white circle painted in the center of the floor. "Carter, that remind you or anything?" he asked, indicating the circle.

She stepped into the room. "Rings? Can't be…"

"That's what we came in here to check out," Sheppard said, having righted himself.

"Huh…" Jack walked over to the circle and swept his foot over it. It lit up, glowing bright white. "Whoa. Sweet."

"It's Ancient," observed Carter, approaching the circle.

Sheppard frowned at it. "A transporter?"

"Only one way to find out," Ronon growled, stepping into the circle. He disappeared in a flash of light.

"Aw, hell," growled Jack, looking over at Sheppard. "Can't you control him?"

"Not so much…"

"Well, let's go then," he sighed.

Jack, Carter and Sheppard stepped into the circle and were enveloped in a blinding white light.


	17. Chapter 17

Dizzy and disoriented, Sam blinked repeatedly, trying to clear the light spots from her vision. Looking around, she saw General O'Neill, John and Ronon nearby. It was hard to tell where they were in relation to where they had been. This room looked exactly the same as the other one they were just in, which put everyone on the defensive.

"Booby traps?" O'Neill asked, moving towards the door. He pulled it open and nothing happened. They heaved a collective sigh.

"Doesn't look that way," John replied, taking a few long strides toward the door as well.

Sam and Ronon followed them out the door and into another identical room.

"Carter? Any ideas?"

She looked around the room with a sigh. "Keep using the transporters until we come to the end?"

"That seems like our only choice at the moment," John sighed dejectedly. He rolled his neck and activated the transporter with the toe of his boot. All four of them stepped into the circle this time.

When they arrived on the other end, the dizziness wasn't quite so bad as before, but the room still spun. Sam stumbled out of the circle, nearly tripping over General O'Neill.

"You okay, Carter?" he asked, grabbing her shoulder to steady her.

She nodded. "Yes, sir. That transporter is quite a ride." She smiled at him and waited for him to agree. He narrowed his eyes at her, not really believing she was okay, but let her go anyway.

"There's a stairway over here," Ronon growled, breaking up the silence.

"Sweet. A way out perhaps?" O'Neill asked, moving toward the staircase, weapon raised. "Ronon, point. Carter, watch out six. Let's check it out."

Without hesitation, Ronon headed up the stairs, followed by John, then O'Neill and finally Sam. It was a long way up. Sam counted about seventy-five stairs before they came to a landing, an equally long hallway and a door. On the wall beside the door was one of the door sensors like on Atlantis. It opened automatically at their approach. They entered the large, empty room cautiously, weapons up.

"What the hell?" O'Neill hissed, scoping the entire room out through the sights of his gun.

"There's nothing here!" John added.

The room they were in was big and empty. No doors, no windows, no transporter, nothing.

"Start looking for mmph--!" Sam's sentence was abruptly cut off by a hand over her mouth and a very large blade poking her in the side.

"Looking for what?" O'Neill turned and saw that she was being held hostage. His first expression was one of anger, but then his eyebrows rose in interest. "Hey, are you a ninja? 'Cause that would be totally awesome."

The question must have confused the man because his grip on Sam's mouth loosened enough that she managed to sink her teeth into his flesh and move away before he could react. Ronon shot at him, but the mystery man moved with surprising speed and dodged the energy blast. He moved so fast that he was almost invisible. The only evidence that he was still in the room was O'Neill being knocked flat on his ass, followed by Sheppard. Ronon shot a couple more blasts into thin air before a seemingly invisible blade sliced a long wound from his right temple to his chin.

"Despite how cool this whole super-fast invisibility thing is, it's brining back some unpleasant memories," O'Neill grunted as he sat up.

Sam had been watching the entire one sided fight, but hadn't been included in it, which she was grateful for. The mystery man was apparently waiting to strike again, because the room had gone still and silent aside from the groans from John and General O'Neill.

Scanning the room with careful eyes, Sam saw a flicker of movement in the far corner of the room. In one quick movement, she lifted her P90 and squeezed the trigger. The gunshot reverberated through the chamber, deafening all of them, but the ringing in their ears was worth it. She hit her mark.

"Carter, let me ask you something," General O'Neill said, pushing himself to his feet.

"Sir?" She kept her weapon trained on the bleeding man on the floor.

"Why is it that where ever you go there are men lining up to either marry you, kill you or undress you…?" General O'Neill muttered something else after the 'you', and Sam was pretty sure it was along the lines of _'though I understand why they'd want to do that'_.

"Couldn't tell you, sir," she replied. "Though maybe he can tell us how to get out of here?"

Ronon knelt down in front of the man. "Well?"

He didn't respond.

A very scary smirk grew on Ronon's lips and he punched the man in the jaw.

"Down boy," John muttered, kneeling down as well and taking the gadget of the man's wrist. He handed it to Sam and bound his wrists with the zip ties he had in his vest.

"Whatcha got there, Carter?" O'Neill asked, leaning over her shoulder.

"Not sure, sir…" she muttered, slipping the wrist device on and examining it before even thinking about touching the button on the side.

"Careful…Remember the last time we had cool new jewelry?"

"Sir, I believe this is more like the device the Tollan used to walk through walls. It has something to do with phase technology, which allows us to pass through solid matter, and--"

"Bah!"

"Sorry, sir."

"Ancient?" John asked.

"Not like any Ancient design I've seen…" she muttered.

"Cayrick designed it," groaned the man on the floor, his head flopping forward to rest on his chest.

"So…not so stupid?" O'Neill said, looking straight at Sam.

"I guess not," she answered distractedly. She thought for a moment and pressed the button.


	18. Chapter 18

"Holy crap, Carter, where'd you go?" Jack turned his head, looking for the woman that had been in front of him split seconds before.

"Right here, sir," she answered, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Ah, yes. There you are," he said, sounding a little more sarcastic than he intended. He actually could see her now that she was touching him. Neat.

"Well, I'm glad that you can see here, but now we can't see either of you…" Sheppard muttered at them.

"Oh, I get it! This works on more than one person through physical contact," Carter said with the familiar lilt of excitement he missed since he had been reassigned to Washington.

"We have to hold hands?" Jack sighed.

"'Fraid so, sir."

Not that Jack minded holding hands with Carter, but the premise seemed a little silly. "C'mon kids, pick a buddy and hold hands!" he said in the most condescending tone he could muster.

Begrudgingly, Sheppard joined hands with Carter and Ronon.

"Shall we?"

"What are we going to do with Mystery Man?" Sheppard asked.

"Leave him. Can we just go?" Ronon grumbled.

Carter took a deep breath and pulled them all straight through the wall before them.

Jack cringed at the odd feeling of passing straight through a solid wall, but it was over quickly. On the other side, they found themselves in a room with only a door on the opposite side.

"Haven't these people heard of interior decorators?" was the first thing out of Jack's mouth.

"It's pretty bare, all right," Sheppard replied as he and Ronon moved out into the center of the room.

"I mean, a splash of color here and there wouldn't hurt," he continued, releasing Carter's hand. She disappeared again.

"I'm definitely going to have to check out this piece of technology myself," Carter said to herself.

"You can do that when we get home, but since we don't have to walk through walls at the moment…" Jack said, groping around for Carter and managing to grab a handful of cloth. Her vest.

"Uh, sorry, sir," she replied as she became visible again.

Jack quirked an eyebrow at her. "It's off, then?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good." He let go of her vest and patted her on the shoulder.

"Sir, this door leads up. A really long way up," Sheppard informed them, gingerly massaging his shoulder.

"A way out, maybe?" Jack asked, eager to get out of here.

"Sir, don't you think it was fairly easy to get here? If this really is a way out?" Carter questioned, sounding concerned, which made Jack concerned.

"…No?"

She frowned. "Well, we haven't come across _too_ much resistance, and the so-called traps weren't very well thought out, and that man didn't put up much of a challenge--"

"Tell that to my ribs," Jack grumbled.

"Be that as it may, but it sounded like Cayrick had something bigger planned for us. And if he really did create this wrist device, then he wouldn't just let us walk away."

Jack blinked at her, looked at Sheppard, then back at Carter. "The bad guys always talk big! Their bark is worse than their bite! They're just blowing smoke! The bigger they are, the harder they fall! Never run with scissors! I don't know how that last one applies, but I'm sure it does somehow!" he babbled at her.

"Uh…yes, sir." Carter looked mildly confused, but she was used to his odd comments, so brushed it off easily.

"Fine, fine. Since we have no other options, we take the stairs. But be careful."


	19. Chapter 19

"When you said this was a long way up, you weren't kidding," General O'Neill panted, reaching down and rubbing his knee. "I think my ears just popped."

John pinched his nose and blew, making his own ears pop. At least the pressure building in his head was gone. He didn't know just how far this staircase went on for, but when he was standing at the bottom, he couldn't see the top. Only now was there a door visible at the top.

"If this doesn't lead out, I might have to shoot someone," O'Neill grumbled as they resumed their climb.

"You and me both, sir," John said over his shoulder. At this point, they were all tired, annoyed in pain and a multitude of other things. And he still had to pee. The only one that didn't show any signs of tiring was Ronon, but the man had ridiculous stamina to begin with.

"I still think this is suspicious, sir," Colonel Carter pointed out with a sigh. She had been busy glancing between the weird wrist device and down the sights of her gun. She was clearly more interested in the Tollan/Reetu/Phase technology. And if he were an egg-head, he probably would have been, too.

"We don't have much of a choice, Carter, so we'll just have to see where this takes us," O'Neill answered, sounding less and less cheerful every word that came out of his mouth.

They fell silent for the rest of the trek up the stairs, mostly because there wasn't anything to talk about. John felt like he was too exhausted to even open his mouth. The infirmary was looking better and better.

It look another five or six minutes to read the top of the stairs. Ronon took point and pulled the door open to reveal the forest.

"Fan out," O'Neill whispered, raising his weapon.

Nodding, they all made ready to head outside. Before they could fan out, they actually had to get out the door. That's where they ran into trouble yet again.

At first, they didn't suspect anything, and filed out the door in a tight formation. There was the snap of a twig breaking in half, which wouldn't have been unusual if it were just a stick. But the snapping stick was soon followed by limbs colliding and tangling as they were swept up off the ground in a huge net.

For a moment, everyone was stunned into silence at the primitive trap.

"What…The…HELL?!" General O'Neill shouted, squirming around in the net. He had ended up on the very bottom with Colonel Carter on top, her legs bent awkwardly up over her back. Ronon was pinned to one side of the net and John was pinned against the opposite side with his legs hooked up over Carter's butt.

"This is so not cool," O'Neill growled, wiggling some more. He chuckled, but there was absolutely no amusement in it.

"Sir, could you stop moving? It's, uh, not exactly helping the situation," Carter said, pulling her arm out from where it was trapped between herself and General O'Neill and nearly smacked John in the process.

"Uh, yeah…yeah, you're probably right about that," he replied.

"Ronon, can you reach your knives?" John asked, not even trying to pull his arm back from where it had slipped through the holes in the netting.

"No…I'm completely…stuck!" he growled, thrashing about.

"Aw, hell!" O'Neill's curse was followed by a dull thud. "My damn sidearm slipped out of the damn holster."

"Well, that is one less weapon my men will have to forcefully take from you," a familiar voice said with a hint of amusement in his voice.

John painfully twisted his neck and saw a large, fat man who shared some striking similarities with McKay. "Huh." This must be Cayrick.


	20. Chapter 20

"And I missed this why?" Jack growled in annoyance.

"Sir, you're shouting in my ear," Carter muttered near his ear.

"Sorry," he sighed, attempting to wiggle his completely asleep hands from between his and Carter's bellies. The tingling was starting to work its way up to his shoulders.

They had been left hanging here for a couple of hours now because they had refused to let Carter go with Cayrick. After he had shown his butt-ugly face, all of his little minions had groped at them, searching for their weapons. They had even managed to find all of Ronon's hidden knives. The situation replayed in Jack's head.

"That's one less weapon my men will have to forcefully take from your possession," he said with a sickening grin.

"Forcefully? We're tied up," Jack hissed, looking at Cayrick and his lackeys upside down.

"Yes, but you have surprising spunk."

"And you have surprising funk. Seriously. How often do you bathe?" was Jack's retort. He heard a soft chuckle from Carter, who was pinned on top of him. He resisted the urge to wiggle again, because too much of that would put him in an even more awkward position.

Cayrick brushed off the insult with only a slight frown. "I will extend to you this offer once more; let me have the woman, and you shall go free," he said while his men searched for their weapons. They seemed to be paying special attention to Ronon. "The woman or your lives," he said again with a certain amount of confidence.

Carter stiffened on top of Jack, her mildly panicked blue eyes searching his out.

"Well, ya see Car-wreck, I like both the woman and my life, so I think I'll be keeping both. Thanks for the wide selection of options, though."

"Hey, whoa! Watch where you're grabbing!" came the sudden, indignant yelp from Sheppard.

"Hoh! No kidding!" Jack replied when he felt a hand on his rear end. "I think your men enjoy their job a little too much," he added.

Cayrick sighed. "If you will not turn her over to me and spare all of your lives, I will leave you strung up here until the wild dogs tear out your innards. A shame, really."

"Lord Cayrick, the woman wears an Artifact on her wrist," someone near Jack's head called. He pulled the device off, yanking on Carter's arm and jostling all four of them. Sheppard inhaled sharply at the movement.

Carter's head dropped onto Jack's shoulder in defeat. She had really wanted that thing.

"Haven't you people ever heard of finders keepers? Because we found-y, so technically, we should get to keep-y, to…" he grumbled at the guy taking the device.

"Just get it and let's go. No one will find them out here!" With a triumphant laugh, Cayrick and his men left them hanging there.

"See Carter? All talk and no action," Jack grumbled, trying to squirm around again.

"Oh, I don't know. I think we're pretty much screwed at this point," muttered Sheppard.

"Aren't you Mr. Optimistic?"

"I'm just saying, sir--"

"Shut up, Sheppard."

"Yes, sir."

At that point, Jack had ordered them all to at least try and get some rest, which he had been doing up until now. He could hear both Ronon and Sheppard's soft soldier-like snores, but he and Carter were awake. He didn't even know how the other two had managed to fall asleep in the first place. The only parts of Jack that were asleep were his legs and hands, which he finally managed to yank free.

"Carter, your hair is sticking to my wound," Jack muttered. At some point, he had managed to reopen the cut on his forehead, which was now bleeding all over the place again, and knock her hat off.

"Sorry, sir." She lifted her head and flipped her long hair over her shoulder with a single movement, then rest her head back down on his shoulder. "This isn't all bad…" she then whispered.

Jack wasn't sure if he was meant to head that remark, or not, so he kept his mouth shut. They both fell silent, listening to the forest. That was peaceful for a while until Sheppard woke from his nap and tried to move. Probably wasn't a good idea to have been sleeping with a head wound in the first place, but he had been, and now they all regretted it. One scream and a black eye for Ronon later, they were all wide awake, and even less happy than before. Not that they had been happy to begin with.

"I'm gonna get you back for that when we get back to Atlantis," Ronon snarled.

"I didn't mean to kick you in the face. I'm sorry," he replied apologetically.

"Sir, do you think we're ever going to get out of this?" Carter asked, sounding oddly defeated.

The tone of her voice scared him. Things were never good when she had the sound of defeat in her voice. "Carter, I really don't know," he answered honestly, draping his numb arms over her back. This position would have been much better if the other two nimrods weren't here and they weren't curled up awkwardly. Jack sighed.

"This sucks. And I still have to pee," Sheppard complained.

"Thanks for reminding me about that…" Jack replied, feeling the pressure in his own bladder once again.


	21. Chapter 21

A little more time passed and it was beyond the point of uncomfortable now. Sam couldn't feel anything below her waist, her legs had gone numb hours ago. She couldn't say she was cold though. A little crushed, yes, but not cold. She did have a human mattress and blanket after all.

General O'Neill had been passing the time trying to wake up his hands by tapping his fingers on her back. She probably could have fallen asleep if not for the really odd sensation of her numb legs. She could feel the weight of John's legs across her bum, but it didn't feel like her legs were even there.

With an uncomfortable groan, she tried to shift her hips, but was sure she only succeeded in causing General O'Neill some serious pain. "Uh…sir?"

"Yeah, Carter?" he replied, sounding tired.

"I didn't hurt you, did I?" she asked, lifting her head just enough to look down at him.

"Not that I know of…Mind you, everything from the waist down has gone to sleep, so I wouldn't know either way."

"Oh, okay."

"Now lay back down. You're putting more pressure on my bladder than necessary…" he muttered.

Sam grinned. "Sorry, sir." She lay her head back down, the only comfortable way was with her nose pressed against his neck. He smelled like sweat, but he didn't really smell bad. The scent brought tons of memories flooding back, both good and bad. Mostly of times when she and the rest of SG-1 were trapped together in close quarters for long periods of time.

With a smile, she got as comfortable as she could, and actually felt her eyelids drooping. Until John decided to talk.

"Lorne should be looking for us by now," he said, his voice, although quiet, carried on the evening wind.

"Yeah, well, let's hope he brought lots of strapping young marines with him," General O'Neill grumbled, his hands tightening their grip on Sam's back.

"Knowing Major Lorne, I'm sure he--"

The end of Sam's sentence was absorbed by blinding light, surrounding them in a strange sort of non-reality. When the light faded, each of them noticed what the light had been.

"Am I interrupting anything?" Colonel Ellis of the Earth battle cruiser Apollo asked, quirking an eyebrow.

Sam looked up at the Colonel from her position on the floor, ignoring the pained howl from Colonel Sheppard (his arm had slipped underneath him).

"As a matter of fact, yes, Colonel. But I have to admit this was the most convenient rescue in the history of convenient rescues!" General O'Neill replied, not making much of an effort to sit up. Ronon had already gotten to his feet and hauled John up by his good arm. "And how can you stand after being in that position for so long? I don't think I can move," he added.

"Me either, but I'll try…" Sam started to roll off of Jack, but everything was numb. All she could do was lay on the floor. "If you don't mind, Colonel Ellis, I think I'll stay here until we get back to Atlantis…"

"Y'know, Carter, you might be on to something," General O'Neill commented, stretching languidly as Ronon drug, or rather carried John off to the ship infirmary.


	22. Chapter 22

"I think you've had enough morphine for now, Colonel Sheppard," Dr. Keller giggled, adjusting the mans sling.

"Which is probably why I feel so darn good!" Sheppard replied, leaning back into his mountain of pillows.

Jack couldn't help but smile as well. They were finally back on Atlantis, comfortable, clean, fed and in some cases, a little bit high. Keller had confined all of them to the infirmary, but Ronon had escaped. Lucky bastard.

"Carter…Carter!" he called to the woman in the bed next to his.

Sitting up with a snort, her bleary eyes searched for the source of the voice. When she saw Jack, she almost seemed surprised to see him. "Sir?"

"Good morning, sunshine!" he chirped. Sheppard giggled. "Better lay off the morphine, Shep," he added.

"Sir, why'd you wake me up?" Carter asked with a yawn.

"Sorry to interrupt that interesting dream you seemed to be having. Did you know you make funny little noises in your sleep?"

Carter's cheeks flushed.

"I woke you up for a couple of reasons, actually. One, it is impossible to have a normal conversation with a doctor or someone high on morphine. Two, I just plain don't like McKay. And--"

"You don't like me?"

"Shut up, McKay. And three, you were asleep and I wasn't." Jack smoothed out his blanket and flopped his head down on the pillows.

"Of course…" Carter groaned, closing her eyes.

Jack grinned. "Carter, I advise that you do not let him back on duty until every drop of morphine is out of his system."

They both looked over at Sheppard, who was currently attempting to stack bright blue jell-o cubes. He was not succeeding.

Carter giggled. "You're probably right, sir."

At that point, Major Lorne strolled into the infirmary. "Colonel Carter, I'm glad you're awake, ma'am."

"What is it, Major?" she asked cheerfully.

"My team and I just got back from checking in on the Ahyrick settlement. Everyone's fine. We also did a sweep in the Jumper and found Cayrick and his men, as well as the crashed Jumper. I've sent Zelenka and a team out to repair it," he explained, standing casually with his hands in his pockets. His eyes kept darting over to Sheppard, who was still trying to stack jell-o.

"And Cayrick?"

"We're evacuating them and planting them on a planet with no 'gate, and taking all of those weird wrist devices."

"Great. Thank you, Major." With a nod, she dismissed him.

Sparing a final glance at Sheppard, Lorne left.

"There we go, Carter. Everything's good again. You get your little invisibility thingy, Sheppard gets his drugs, and I got to see you. Though there is one thing…"

"And that would be--?"

"I am never checking in on you again!"


End file.
